“You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.” – Ellen DeGeneres
“I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.” – Carol Leifer
“A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.” – Shelley Berman
“Don’t spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.” – Billiam Coronel
“I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Dave Edison
“Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window.”- Steve Bluestone
“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” – Rita Rudner
“Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.” – Johnny Carson
“Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie’ until you can find a rock.” – Will Rogers
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” – Clarence Darrow
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?” — Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain
“He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde
“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright
“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb
“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson
“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating
“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West
“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas
“He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.” – Robert Redford
“They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.” – Thomas Brackett Reed
“He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.” – James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker
“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any one I know.” – Abraham Lincoln
“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts — for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde
“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.” – Winston Churchill
