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Funny Quickies – quick funny bone tickles to brighten your day.

Laughing cat funny jokes with text

They had to shoot my dog.
Was he mad?
Well, he wasn’t happy about it.

Waiter, how do you prepare your chickens?
Well, we don’t do much; just tell ’em they’re gonna die.

What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.

What do you call a bass guitar player without a girlfriend?

Three men walked into a bar. You’d think at least one of them would have ducked.

What does a fish say when it hits a concrete wall?

What has four legs, is big, green and fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree on you, it would kill you?
A pool table.

I ran over my dog’s tail with my mower. He looked bad, so I decided to sell him. I had to sell him wholesale, because I couldn’t retail him.

A woman stops another woman on the street.
“Say, you look like Helen Green.”
“Well, I don’t much like your outfit either.”

A termite jumps on the bar and yells, “Hey, where’s the bar tender?”

I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.

Dyslexic man walks into a bra…

I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

Two aerial antennas meet on a roof – fall in love – get married.  The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant.

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road.”

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

There’s two fish in a tank, and one says “How do you drive this thing?”

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

When Susan’s boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: “I love the simple things in life, but I don’t want one of them for my husband.”

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

I rang up my telephone company, I said, “I want to report a nuisance caller”, he said “No, not you again.”

A battery starter jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says “I’ll serve you, but you’d better not start anything.”

Slept like a log last night…….. Woke up in the fireplace.

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says “Your eyes sparkle like diamonds”. I said, “Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck.”

Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says “Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here!”

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said “may contain nuts.” Well, YES! That’s what I bought the buggers for! You’d be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

A seal walks into a club…

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