No Peeing in the Pool

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool. “You’re not allowed to pee in the pool,” said the lifeguard. “I’m going to report you.”

There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could see into the future. One night while saying his prayers, the little boy’s parents were listening and heard him finish,”God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, goodbye grandpa.” The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack.

Fashion fades, only style remains the same. (Coco Chanel) No day is so bad it can’t be fixed with a nap. (Carrie Snow) A warrior seeks to act rather than talk. (Carlos Castaneda) Dance is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. (George Bernard Shaw) Impoliteness is frequently the sign of an awkward modesty that…

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.

It is well documented that for every mile you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at the age of 85, to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month!

Two Arkansas farmers bought a truckload of watermelons, paying one dollar apiece for them. Then they drove to the market and sold all their melons for the SAME price ($1) they’d paid for them. After counting their money at the end of the day, they realize they’d ended up with no more money than they’d…

The book reviews that customers submit on Amazon are usually pretty serious stuff. In this unusual case, the review is quite humorous. Whether the humor was on purpose or not is debatable

One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him. The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, “How sure are ya that she is gonna kill you? Did she threaten you?”

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, “when did you bag him?” The host said, “that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife.”