What I’d like to Hear at my Funeral

Three friends arrived at the Pearly Gates at the same time. As part of their orientation to heaven, St Peter asked what kind of remarks they would most like to hear from their family and friends at their funerals.

When the bus arrived at it’s stop, an attractive woman at the head of the queue tried to board but couldn’t because of her tight-fitting clothes. Thinking quickly, she reached back and undid her zipper a little to allow more movement. Still, her outfit was too snug so she lowered her zipper again.

A man once counselled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his Cornflakes every morning. The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93.

An old lady, who lived on the third floor of a boarding house, broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs. Several months later, the doctor took off the cast. “Can I climb stairs now?” asked the little old lady.

The applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out the application. The salesman asked what the trouble was, and the man said that he couldn’t answer the question about the cause of death of his father. The salesman wanted to know why. After some embarrassment the client explained that his father had…

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what has happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body. “Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous…

The following are true stories submitted by readers. ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. “We don’t have half a dozen nuggets,” said the teenager at the counter. “You don’t?”…