The atheist and the Loch Ness monster

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed the atheist and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. It then opened its mouth waiting below to swallow them both. As the man sailed head…

A young blonde, on vacation in Louisiana, wanted a pair of alligator shoes, but was reluctant to pay high New Orleans prices. “I’ll just catch my own alligator,” she told one shopkeeper,” so I can get a pair of shoes for free.” She stomped out of the store and headed for the swamp.

The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven’s Ninth. In the piece, there’s a long passage about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. They boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked…

Three men are talking about their wives. Two of the men are talking about the control they have over their wives, while the third remains silent. After a while, the first two men turn to the third and ask, “What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?”

A pig is eating at a restaurant and while eating his dinner, he drinks 15 glasses of water. After he’s finished eating, he pays for the bill and heads for the door. The restaurant manager stops hims and says,”Hey, don’t you want to use the bathroom before you head home?”

A man goes into a restaurant with a giraffe. The giraffe lays by his table as the man eats his dinner. After his meal, the man gets up and walks towards the door to leave, leaving the giraffe on the floor by the table. Just as he gets to the door, the restaurant manager stops…

Frantically readying for a fancy French party, the wife asks the husband if he can run to the store and buy some escargot for the party. “Sure!”, he says and tears out the door. On the way he decides to stop at his favorite bar for a quick drink. After and hour or so, he…

Two polynomials walk into a bar. The bartender, a derivative, asks them, “Can I take your order?”

A man walks into a bar, very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, “What’s the matter?” The fellow replies, “Well, I’ve got these two horses, and well … I can’t tell them apart. I don”t know if I’m mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right…