I don’t buy that excuse for you being late

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time this month and found the boss waiting for him at his desk. “What’s the story this time, Jones?” the boss asked while dripping sarcasm. “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.”

Bernie was eating dinner at a friend’s home when he noticed that Morris, the dinner host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

Bubba was a hillbilly living way out in the sticks. One day Bubba decided that he wanted to marry his sweetheart. So, while enjoying a hearty meal of raccoon and biscuits for dinner one evening, Bubba brought up the subject with his Ma and Pa.

A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do in a newly remodeled home. He checks his pockets and to his dismay, finds that his cigarettes are missing. He glanced down and notices a small lump in the recently completed carpet…

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and approached their boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, “Jesus, I’ve suffered from back pain ever since I began working in the warehouse 18 years…

A young lad was proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend. The college student led the way into the living room where the friend noticed a large gong and hammer sitting against one wall.

A woman was struggling to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. She turned it upside down and pounded it with all her might. During her struggle, the phone rang. Having her hands full at the moment, she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone.

An little kid went into a grocery store and picked out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. “Oh, no laundry,” the boy said, “I’m going to use it to wash my dog.”

A man going through his mid-life crisis purchased a brand new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the wind was blowing through what was left of his hair, and feeling spry, he decided to see how fast this new baby could go. As the needle…

A new employee stood before the paper shredder looking scratching his chin and looking altogether confused. “Need some help?” asked a secretary who was walking by. “Yes,” he replied, “how does this thing work?”