If you’re Stupid, Stand Up

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’

Edgar Bergenand Charlie McCarthy ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes when a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting.

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates…

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

One winter morning a couple is listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, “We are going to have eight to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.” Norman’s wife goes out and moves her car.

Nicolas Sarkozy, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”

One day a government worker was digging through his office drawers when suddenly he came upon a magic lamp. Since he’d heard these jokes before, he knew that he had to rub the lamp and make the genie come out. So he rubbed the lamp and out popped a genie.

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance he coached his patients to respond to his commands, and when the day of the game arrived everything went very well… at first.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes up the Lone Ranger and says, “Kemo Sabe, look up toward sky, what you see?”

A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked “Is my time up?”